By Terri Jenkins

October is National Domestic Violence Month and I still have some painful memories of what I went through on and off for several years. I once was a statistic.

Domestic Violence Awareness Month evolved from the “Day of Unity” held in October 1981 and conceived by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. The “Day of Unity” soon evolved into a week, and in October of 1987, the first National Domestic Violence Awareness Month was observed. In 1989 Congress passed Public Law 101-112, officially designating October of that year as National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Such legislation has been passed each year since.

Here are a few sobering stats:

• The U.S. Department of Justice estimates that 1.3 million women and 835,000 men are victims of physical violence by a partner every year. 

• Every 9 seconds, a woman in the U.S. is beaten or assaulted by a current or ex-significant other. 

• 1 in 4 men are victims of some form of physical violence by an intimate partner.

Here’s another shocking statistic: the number of U.S. troops killed in Afghanistan and Iraq between 2001 and 2012 is 6,488. The number of women who were murdered by current or ex-male partners during that same time frame is 11,766, according to the Huffington Post. That’s almost double the number of people who were killed fighting in the war.

For many, home is or should be a place of love, warmth, and comfort. It’s supposed to be somewhere that you know you will be surrounded by love, care and support and to feel SAFE. But for millions of others, home is anything but a safe haven. People who are in an abusive relationship will stay with their partner for several reasons:

• Fear: afraid to break up the family unit, afraid to be alone, no financial support, fear for physical safety

• Self-esteem is low, and despite being abused, a person will stay because it is the “only normal” they know

• Confliction: you see the good in people but then there is this other side, that no one else sees. It is very confusing and emotionally draining. Apologies come and then the same behavior continues

• Feel ashamed for people to know the truth and/or don’t feel comfortable asking for help

• The person feels like it is all their fault, so they try to change their behavior and the abuser continues with emotional and physical abuse.

From 1997 until 2016, this was my life and the above reasons were mine that I felt, expressed and sadly lived. It was not every day, every week or every month but it was enough to know that it was not right and that I did not deserve it. I began to stand up for myself, sometimes would push back to show that I not “take it” but then I did not want to lower myself to that level, so I stopped. Sometimes, I just walked away. And was silent. For a long time, until I was not silent anymore.

Unless you have lived in a situation where this is a “way of life” you won’t understand what I or anyone else goes through. Through tears, expressions of forgiveness, acts of love and service and lots of prayers, things changed for a short time and then it would fall back into that same pattern. While a student at VSU, a Sociology professor of mine pointed out to me that this was my life. I was in denial then painfully had to admit the truth. What happened though? The next few significant relationships were fraught with the same actions and behaviors. Was it me or was it them?

I had to dig deep into myself to see why this type of relationship was one that I constantly was attracted to, deserved, was comfortable with, etc. Through painful admissions and growing in my strength, I realized that I was not deserving of this type of behavior under any circumstance. The type of person I used to be was one that abusers tended to seek out so they could control and degrade. I am no longer that person.

Here is where I am at in life now after nearly two years of self-discovery.

Who am I: a strong, caring and loyal person

What can I offer to others: kindness, support, love and the love and mercy of God

What can I offer to myself: self-respect and the determination to follow my dreams and achieve the goals I set for myself.

What do I believe: I believe a person (in any relationship) should not accept less than what is kind, loving, decent, supportive, caring, nurturing, encouraging and healthy

I am happy and content with where I am in life; I have not been able to say this in many years. Someone accused me of being a lonely, old, pathetic lady – I can assure you I am not any of those things. To be content and happy with yourself is one of the greatest achievements you can have in life, and I have that. With God’s grace, love and forgiveness, I am free.

If you are in a situation where you cry and pray for change because you are being abused, physically, emotionally or mentally, get help. Be brave and call a friend or the domestic hotline. You owe it to yourself and family to show your strength and passion for life. It won’t be easy, but you can do it.

Philippians 4:11 Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.12 I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: everywhere and in all things am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.13 I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.   So Can You!

No longer a statistic!